The Goblins of Zimbabwe

As is often the case, the other day I was telling someone about something, but have forgotten who. In this case, it was the goblins in Zimbabwe. Odd stuff there. Various media sources frequently have stories about all kinds of supernatural occurrences, some more believable than others. And some, believable or not, we hear about often. Ghosts, UFOs, chupacabra (which translates as “goat-sucker”, if you weren’t aware) etc. There aren’t often stories about goblins. At least there weren’t, until 2013 in Zimbabwe. Then suddenly, goblins were running amuck.

For example, it was reported that goblins were stealing women’s panties.

That’s right, goblins stealing womens panties, and hiding them in other people’s houses. Men are waking up dressed in women’s underwear. Women are waking up feeling like they’ve had sex, but have no memory of who, when or where. It was even reported that “the goblin was also found wearing an underwear belonging to a village headman’s wife.”

I’m not even going to comment on that last one except to say that it disappoints me that I don’t get invited to that kind of party.

My inner skeptic says that these incidents could be related to each other, and a night of tequila shots, but I’m really in no position to be sure of that. Nor am I here to judge anyone’s choices. Or lifestyle. In short, consenting adults should be allowed to embarrass themselves any way they see fit. And I think that the thriving alcohol industry is a strong indication that most of the world would agree with me on that.

But it’s not very mature to blame goblins.

As a side note, I have to admit I’m conflicted about whether or not the panty stealing gets 10 out of 10 points for style or 0 out of 10. I mean there’s the whole pervert panty-stealing angle, and that’s got no style, but it’s hard to not be amused by *goblins* stealing panties. Sorry ladies, I know they’re not cheap, but my inner twelve-year-old is still getting a small laugh out of it.

But as far as the potentially tequila driven allegations of panty stealing, forced cross-dressing and blackout-drinking-sex denial, I’m sure goblins seem like a very convenient scape goat, but I ask you, what did goblins ever do to you? I’m sure they’re decent people, in a manner of speaking. I suspect, that like everyone, they just want to be loved. Is that so wrong?

I know I’m on pretty thin ice with the persuasiveness of that argument, so I’m going to maintain eye contact a moment longer to really try and sell it. Please be good sports and help me out by visualizing said eye contact to yourselves so my effort is not in vain.

Thank you for you cooperation.

Anyway, so goblins. I think my favorite account of goblin activity in Zimbabwe is the story of how a goblin jumped out of a suitcase in a police station, sending the police running and screaming.

In fact, a quote from the article says, ‘I think some people went out through the windows because we could not all have fitted through the door. Fat cops and slim cops all ran for their lives screaming.’

As if the idea of cops from Zimbabwe isn’t slap-sticky enough, the idea of cops from Zimbabwe, fat ones and thin ones alike, diving out windows, running out doors, all screaming, from a goblin in a suitcase, well, the very idea evokes mental imagery worthy of Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin, or maybe just the Three Stooges.

I’m sorry (I’m not really sorry, but it seems liked the politic thing to say) but that’s just funny. If the damn healer hadn’t burned the poor guy (or gal, I’m not about to get all gender biased when it comes to giving goblins their due credit), I’m sure he (she) would have had a good laugh over beers, after quitting time, at happy hour (do goblins work 9-5?) with his (her) goblin co-workers.

I say that about happy hour because the article gives pretty good evidence that these goblins are probably bar hoppers. There’s a quote from this article about goblins ordering men to surrender their wives where a woman is quoted as saying “It was at night when a short bearded creature approached me and asked me for sex.”

I’m sure every lady reading this who has been to a bar can attest that sounds exactly like something which would happen in a bar, and that the bearded creatures asking could often be likened to goblins….

The rest of the article:

Goblins order men to surrender wives

describes some pretty unsavory activities, allegedly perpetrated by these goblins, but I’m not convinced, just like I was never convinced that a dingo ate that Australian lady’s baby.

So, the jury (in my mind -yes, I’m pretty sure there’s a jury in my mind, that’s the source of the voices) is still out on the issue of if goblins are harmless pranksters, the wrongfully accused scapegoats (not goat suckers) of Zimbabwe or evil supernatural forces at work, however, I figured the stories were worth sharing in case anyone missed them.

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